A lesson that I am slowly learning: You will never find happiness, peace, and love unless you work at it, and build it yourself, into your relationship.
Every season has it’s pros and cons, ups and downs. If you would have asked me a week ago how things in my life were going, I would have read to you a stanza of lyrics that I wrote recently, “It’s nice to say I’m in a good place, even better to say I’ve found my space, feeling a little more settled in these days.” The season I’m in has multiple faces and has shown almost all of them to me. I have had friends mess up, I’ve seen God bless me, I’ve been in pain, felt happy, discomfort, and really I have to say overall, it’s been a good season. The season I see coming in the near future will be one of growth, learning how to trust, learning how to be me with the presence of someone else with me. Looking at the possibility of a relationship that would teach me how to be in a healthy, worth while, productive relationship. I’m looking forward to growing, to learning, to pushing through what seems like could potentially be a lot of adversity. Hope all is well with you, in the mean time, enjoy your season, and enjoy fall, with all it’s candles, and colors, and feelings.
It’s feeling like a long day
The sun in out and I’m hiding away.
Your a long way away from here.
I can see your face
From the pictures of public holiday
I know you want to stay but it’s time to come home.
Things here haven’t changed
Their faces are still looking down
I’m the only one who’s made it out
Step away from your cold frontier
Stumble back into the life that you left here,
We can leave again, but we’ll do it as us.
Can you hear my heart tonight,
Singing a silent lullaby,
Saying baby come on by and we’ll go.
One taste will take me back
To a place I’ve never loved
Wondering what you’re holding back
What is it you’ve never said?
One look in that direction
One simple sudden glance
Is all it will take to ruin
What’s taken weeks to put together.
I suppose through some sweet talking,
I could convince myself to move on.
But I feel I don’t have the strength too,
And if I did, is this something I really want to leave?
The man you see before you,
Is something relatively frail.
It’s taken years to get this far,
It’ll years to get where I need to be.
There’s an ever meandering line
That will someday let me see,
On one side of you is me,
And on the other is the man I need to be.
There is no therapy for songwriters. Songwriters go to therapy and the therapist says, ‘Yeah, you’ve got me, I have never heard of that.’ We go into rooms and we see things that aren’t there and we balance that somehow with also being a normal person. Something I like to call, ‘Dear God, please make me crazy enough to keep on dreaming, but normal enough to sleep once in a while.
Its wild how fast things turn around. One minute you’re fine, with no fears, not a care in the world. The next you’ve got eighty seven different problems all needing an answer right away. How does this work? Why did this happen? What should I do now? Where do I go from here? Its just this crazy roller coaster that takes us through life. I’m not sure really how things get to the point where they are overwhelming, and if I were to be totally honest, I’m still not even remotely close to learning how to overcome being overwhelmed. If I learn though, I’ll try to write out a detailed description on the best way to navigate it. My life for the last few months has been a constant shoot-from-the-hip, day-by-day battle. One fight at a time. I was told once that if you win enough battles, eventually you win the war. I’m ready to do one of two things: win the war, or stop battling. I’m growing very weary of the stress level that I so easily hide from. I’m becoming increasingly weary of having to fight to make everything happen. I’m finding though that even in all this struggle, I still don’t have the desire to give up. Somehow, no matter how much I complain, or criticize, or complicate my life and it’s process right now, I don’t have the heart to just give up. Maybe its a misplaced belief that if I do people will judge me, or the simple self-destructive thought that if I were to quit, I would be letting people down, or worse, I’d be letting myself down. So many times throughout the day I find myself wandering in my head, trying to find the next trail, what the next turn holds for or from me. To some extent, I sometimes think I’m ahead of myself, and it takes a while to get reality in line with where I am in my head.
Relationships has always been a huge thing in my life, and I feel like it has been a driving force in this page here. But if I really sit back and look at my life, and all my friendships and relationships, I’d have to say that in reality, I know very little about them. My best friend for the last few years has been a Fender guitar. Somehow I found a way to like making music more than I like making friends. Getting back into a life with people has been somewhat of a culture shock, which is a really interesting phenomenon. I have met people and been in rooms full of friends, and all I want to do is go back to my room, grab my guitar and somehow find that center of gravity again. I have had friends in the not too distant past go through some trying times as far as relationships go. It’s rough to see my friends hurt like that. Me being the over analytical, defiantly loyal person that I am, I feel things for them. I take on their pain. I’ve felt for them. I know, I know this sounds so plastic, but in reality, I have been given the unique ability to feel for others, and I actually enjoy it. My relationships have taught me very little about the opposite sex, but have in fact, taught me so much about myself in so little time. I have found that I am susceptible to falling for the idea of someone rather than the person themselves. I, again, get too far ahead of myself, and over think the tiniest things. Within about five minutes of a guy meeting a girl, he has already entertained the thought of dating her, or friending her. If he thinks he could date her, within a week he has entertained the idea of marrying her. My mind does this without any help from my heart or whatever else could possibly be driving me. I can hear one story about how her family life isn’t perfect, and I mentally break the thought of her being eligible for anything. There will come a day when I will meet a girl, and my mind won’t wander off, it won’t be four miles ahead, it will be still. Stuck in that moment. Silent in the presence of a force that has not been met yet. When that day or night comes, I will be completely and overwhelmingly paralyzed in her gaze. I cannot wait for this day, and I wish the same thing for everyone who reads this. That someday you feel about someone the way you want to feel about them. That happily ever after feeling you’ve known all your life. That that feeling will become a complete and real entity in your life by manifestation of that relationship. Until then, I will enjoy the friendships I have and try to learn how to grow them, and cultivate new ones. I hope you do the same.
The fact that I’m even on here means somethings either wrong, or I’ve just learned something that I find important enough to take the time to sit down and write it out for you. I suppose its possible that both could occur simultaneously. I’m not even sure where to start on this one, and due to a lack of anonymity on the social network universe, I will once again be very ambiguous. I have over the years developed a slight enjoyment for the things in life that hurt the most. Not in a masochistic sense, but in an ever expanding pursuit to grow and become more mature, whatever that means. Its this thing I’ve told myself for years now, “Enjoy the process, even if the circumstances aren’t enjoyable”. The process of healing is my favorite scenario to pick on, only because it seems to be the most frequent in my life, and in the lives of those around me. Healing, emotionally speaking, is a process of somehow justifying all you know to be true, and accepting it- good or bad. They aren’t into you. They’re in love with you. They don’t want to be around right now. You’ve got too much time on your hands and can’t seem to get your mind off them. Even if the words are hard to hear, or swallow, or stomach, you need to hear those words. Closure is part of the process. Taking that option off the table is a very necessary part of the process, if for no other reason than sanity’s sake. If you keep holding that option out in front of you, it will drive you crazy. On a different note, one of the best ways to cope or just deal with the pain of heartbreak, or rejection, or most kinds of pains come to think about it, is to just sit in a quiet room, with the lights off, and just be. Exist in that moment, and let your mind wander off alone. Chase the rabbit trials in your head, and find a way to say you’ll be ok. Find a way to be alright. Find a way to move on, to take the next step, and the step after that. I’m going to try it, again, and again until I get it right. It’s ok to fail. It’s ok to go crazy. It’s ok to wake up at odd hours of the morning to just stare at the ceiling. It’s all part of the process. Learn to enjoy the process. Until next time…
I’m not usually in a mood like this in the middle of the day, but this is absolutely incredible! Take a listen…
his pledge to her.
i will kill the spiders. i will share my fries with you when you’ve finished all yours and are still hungry. i won’t ever pop my collar. i will never be rude to your tummy- when i hear it growl and gurgle, i promise to bend down and reply respectfully. i will eat the mushrooms when we order the supreme pizza. i will kiss the papercuts. and the door-slammed finger. and the counter-bumped hip. i’ll try my hardest not to get annoyed when you whisper questions and comments during movies. i will be the big spoon. i will let you win at wrestling. sometimes. other times i will not. i will go faster. harder. i will pull when you want. and tease you when you don’t. i will send you random txts and leave you silly gifts. not always. not on schedule. just whenever i want to. whenever i think you need one. or seven. i will check your tire pressure. and remind you to take your car in. i will hold your hand. i will love you. i will love you. i will love you.
I will do this.
Source: Flickr / chrisop
Being a girlfriend.
Being a girlfriend is not just about being beautiful and attractive for your guy. It’s not just about letting him chase you, letting him do sweet things every time you’re mad at him and not just receiving flowers and gifts during your anniversaries. It’s not about doing those girly things just to get his attention and not just about feeling mighty every time he did everything you want. It’s also being an emotional partner wherein you support him in every opportunity that he takes, you appreciate everything that he does for you and you thank him for doing it, you remind him on the things he must do and what he must not. Just because you know that you can always keep him on his feet, doesn’t mean you can manipulate him. You understand him not just as a partner but as individual too. you help him in every way showing him, that in a relationship, there’s no “I” or “you”, there’s only “we” and “us”. You know also that a man has their ego, and even when it become a little irritating sometimes, you still understand that it’s a part of his nature. A girlfriend is not just a term, it also has responsibilities that every girl must know. You’re a friend, a sister, a second mom, a teacher, and a best friend.
I want one like this. Beautifully said.
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