Every season has it’s pros and cons, ups and downs. If you would have asked me a week ago how things in my life were going, I would have read to you a stanza of lyrics that I wrote recently, “It’s nice to say I’m in a good place, even better to say I’ve found my space, feeling a little more settled in these days.” The season I’m in has multiple faces and has shown almost all of them to me. I have had friends mess up, I’ve seen God bless me, I’ve been in pain, felt happy, discomfort, and really I have to say overall, it’s been a good season. The season I see coming in the near future will be one of growth, learning how to trust, learning how to be me with the presence of someone else with me. Looking at the possibility of a relationship that would teach me how to be in a healthy, worth while, productive relationship. I’m looking forward to growing, to learning, to pushing through what seems like could potentially be a lot of adversity. Hope all is well with you, in the mean time, enjoy your season, and enjoy fall, with all it’s candles, and colors, and feelings.
“There is no therapy for songwriters. Songwriters go to therapy and the therapist says, ‘Yeah, you’ve got me, I have never heard of that.’ We go into rooms and we see things that aren’t there and we balance that somehow with also being a normal person. Something I like to call, ‘Dear God, please make me crazy enough to keep on dreaming, but normal enough to sleep once in a while.”—John Mayer
Its wild how fast things turn around. One minute you’re fine, with no fears, not a care in the world. The next you’ve got eighty seven different problems all needing an answer right away. How does this work? Why did this happen? What should I do now? Where do I go from here? Its just this crazy roller coaster that takes us through life. I’m not sure really how things get to the point where they are overwhelming, and if I were to be totally honest, I’m still not even remotely close to learning how to overcome being overwhelmed. If I learn though, I’ll try to write out a detailed description on the best way to navigate it. My life for the last few months has been a constant shoot-from-the-hip, day-by-day battle. One fight at a time. I was told once that if you win enough battles, eventually you win the war. I’m ready to do one of two things: win the war, or stop battling. I’m growing very weary of the stress level that I so easily hide from. I’m becoming increasingly weary of having to fight to make everything happen. I’m finding though that even in all this struggle, I still don’t have the desire to give up. Somehow, no matter how much I complain, or criticize, or complicate my life and it’s process right now, I don’t have the heart to just give up. Maybe its a misplaced belief that if I do people will judge me, or the simple self-destructive thought that if I were to quit, I would be letting people down, or worse, I’d be letting myself down. So many times throughout the day I find myself wandering in my head, trying to find the next trail, what the next turn holds for or from me. To some extent, I sometimes think I’m ahead of myself, and it takes a while to get reality in line with where I am in my head.
Relationships has always been a huge thing in my life, and I feel like it has been a driving force in this page here. But if I really sit back and look at my life, and all my friendships and relationships, I’d have to say that in reality, I know very little about them. My best friend for the last few years has been a Fender guitar. Somehow I found a way to like making music more than I like making friends. Getting back into a life with people has been somewhat of a culture shock, which is a really interesting phenomenon. I have met people and been in rooms full of friends, and all I want to do is go back to my room, grab my guitar and somehow find that center of gravity again. I have had friends in the not too distant past go through some trying times as far as relationships go. It’s rough to see my friends hurt like that. Me being the over analytical, defiantly loyal person that I am, I feel things for them. I take on their pain. I’ve felt for them. I know, I know this sounds so plastic, but in reality, I have been given the unique ability to feel for others, and I actually enjoy it. My relationships have taught me very little about the opposite sex, but have in fact, taught me so much about myself in so little time. I have found that I am susceptible to falling for the idea of someone rather than the person themselves. I, again, get too far ahead of myself, and over think the tiniest things. Within about five minutes of a guy meeting a girl, he has already entertained the thought of dating her, or friending her. If he thinks he could date her, within a week he has entertained the idea of marrying her. My mind does this without any help from my heart or whatever else could possibly be driving me. I can hear one story about how her family life isn’t perfect, and I mentally break the thought of her being eligible for anything. There will come a day when I will meet a girl, and my mind won’t wander off, it won’t be four miles ahead, it will be still. Stuck in that moment. Silent in the presence of a force that has not been met yet. When that day or night comes, I will be completely and overwhelmingly paralyzed in her gaze. I cannot wait for this day, and I wish the same thing for everyone who reads this. That someday you feel about someone the way you want to feel about them. That happily ever after feeling you’ve known all your life. That that feeling will become a complete and real entity in your life by manifestation of that relationship. Until then, I will enjoy the friendships I have and try to learn how to grow them, and cultivate new ones. I hope you do the same.
The fact that I’m even on here means somethings either wrong, or I’ve just learned something that I find important enough to take the time to sit down and write it out for you. I suppose its possible that both could occur simultaneously. I’m not even sure where to start on this one, and due to a lack of anonymity on the social network universe, I will once again be very ambiguous. I have over the years developed a slight enjoyment for the things in life that hurt the most. Not in a masochistic sense, but in an ever expanding pursuit to grow and become more mature, whatever that means. Its this thing I’ve told myself for years now, “Enjoy the process, even if the circumstances aren’t enjoyable”. The process of healing is my favorite scenario to pick on, only because it seems to be the most frequent in my life, and in the lives of those around me. Healing, emotionally speaking, is a process of somehow justifying all you know to be true, and accepting it- good or bad. They aren’t into you. They’re in love with you. They don’t want to be around right now. You’ve got too much time on your hands and can’t seem to get your mind off them. Even if the words are hard to hear, or swallow, or stomach, you need to hear those words. Closure is part of the process. Taking that option off the table is a very necessary part of the process, if for no other reason than sanity’s sake. If you keep holding that option out in front of you, it will drive you crazy. On a different note, one of the best ways to cope or just deal with the pain of heartbreak, or rejection, or most kinds of pains come to think about it, is to just sit in a quiet room, with the lights off, and just be. Exist in that moment, and let your mind wander off alone. Chase the rabbit trials in your head, and find a way to say you’ll be ok. Find a way to be alright. Find a way to move on, to take the next step, and the step after that. I’m going to try it, again, and again until I get it right. It’s ok to fail. It’s ok to go crazy. It’s ok to wake up at odd hours of the morning to just stare at the ceiling. It’s all part of the process. Learn to enjoy the process. Until next time…
Do you ever feel like your slipping back into an older version of yourself? Like, you’ve spent so much time working on you, and suddenly a situation arises, and instead of thinking about it logically, you subconsciously revert back to your old ways of thinking. It’s happening to me, but I’m doing my best to handle things the way I want to know, not the way I used too. I think even by writing on here about this, is one way of reverting back to the old way of doing things. Its such an impressive phenomenon, the way we strive so hard for something, and once we get it, we don’t know what to do with it. I have worked vigorously on the way I run my life, the way I think, how I react to life, and in the last couple of weeks, I have felt myself slipping back into my over-analytical, hyper-critical, and slightly controlling self. If things aren’t done how I want, or when I want, or they are going to fast, or they pull me out of my comfort zone (which seems to be ever shrinking), I immediately find myself with in a rather frustrated mood. In the last four years of my life, I have learned that I cannot control most things that happen to me. I have gained a significant amount of responsibility in the workplace, and in the few relationships I have, and I have become accustomed to that responsibility. When it is challenged, or I feel like I’m losing it, I quickly examine the situation, and react for what is right for me at that time, without thinking of the long/short term advantages/disadvantages. I’m challenging myself to just relax, and trust that everything will work out. I will probably always be an over-analytical mind because that’s how I’m wired, but I’m learning to use it to my advantage instead of slipping back into old ways. Just something to think about…
Did you know that there are over 500,000 apps available for the iPhone, and a few weeks ago the Apple app store reached their 25th billion download. That is an amazing feet not just for Apple but technology as well. I personally own an iPhone, and have it least 50 apps that I use constantly to…
If you are ever lucky enough to meet someone who will divide your life into the time before you met, and the time after, cherish that moment. For me, it wasn’t a person, but a place. The saddest part about it though is that I didn’t know it until after we parted ways. I miss BU. I miss my friends, my room, my life there. I hope one day to find this happiness somewhere else, but until then, I’ll just keep hoping. Cheers.
So at the risk of sounding like a pathetic and desperate loser, I’m going to spill for a sec. In the last few years, I’ve had this fear, it sometimes overwhelms me. It cripples me when I need strength the most. It chokes me from saying and doing things that I so wish I had done. I am afraid of failure. I know, I know, everyone is afraid of failing, but I mean it really has hindered the way I’ve lived my life. I’m not super outgoing, I’m not aggressive all the time, I’m silently competitive, but I would rather lose than hurt someone or have them think less of themselves. I’m not humble, and so sometimes those two worlds clash. I’m learning though, that I am more than able to balance those two things and be a better rounded person because of it. So, why then do I tell you that I’m afraid of this thing? Because I am afraid of one thing more than anything else. I’m afraid of hurting anyone. I’ve lost multiple relationships because I didn’t speak up and say what I really wanted. I let them walk out the door so to speak, without speaking at all. Because I wanted a friend for sure than the possibility of a broken heart. Before I go on, let me explain this, and it is going to all tie together, just hang on and keep reading… It is possible for someone to like more than one person at a time. With that said, here is what I am currently going through.
I’ve liked this girl for a long time now. Over a year. I’ve had a few other interests here and there, but overall, I’ve said all along, if this one girl would ever date me, I’d be hers. Hands down. I’m kinda sick of waiting. Really sick. She doesn’t live near me at the moment due to the drama of life and the scourge we call college, but I want her. I mean, I am head over flipping heals about this girl. I know she and I don’t always get along, and I know that that is mostly my fault (I know I’m not always the easiest person to get along with), but I really like her. I’m thinking about doing something a little drastic, and out of character for me, but I feel its time to get over the fear of what could be, for the possibility of what could be. I have been thinking a lot about the last time something like this happened to me, and in the last six years, I haven’t forgotten it. I’m not going to make the same mistake again. At least this time I’ll know I tried. I’ll have over come my greatest fear. If I fall, I fall. If something better happens, I’ll let you in on all the juicy details. Promise. (You’ll hear from me either way…) If your still reading at this point, thank you for letting me vent and share this late night confession with you, now, slip under the covers, put a smile on your face, close your eyes, and sleep well.
Sometimes my heart aches so bad I think it’s going jump right out of my chest. Then I see her or something that reminds me of her, and I get the same feeling. I guess it’s probably better then that I live without her. At least this way I won’t have to delete as many photos…
I know this is going to sound like it’s completely out of the blue, but I don’t think to this point in my life I have a single friend that I can just talk to, and really vent to, and they can just take it. Not say anything, not try to fix anything, not offer suggestions, just take it. I have such a voracious need to express my thoughts and be heard for me, and I want to just open to someone and tell them the thoughts in my head and the things that I want to say, without them reacting to it at all, in any way. I want them to look me in the eye the whole time, and when I’m done spewing, say, “What your feeling is valid.” And that’s all I want them to say. I haven’t met anyone who is man enough to just sit there and listen. I listen to my friends and am nothing more sometimes than a vent, that they know they can call, and I’m not going to say anything, I’m not going to force-feed my opinion down their throat, I’m just going to listen and validate their expression of their feelings. I need this in my life, not for the sake of saying I have this person, or this relationship there for me, but for the sake of sanity. I’m tired of explaining my feelings to myself at night before I go to sleep, or writing them down where I pray to God no one finds them. I want them to be heard, filed, and thrown away. I’m prone to saying somethings that I don’t think I mean. I think that without hearing myself say somethings, that I am only hurting myself by pinning those things on the imaginary bulletin board in my head. I am sick of seeing the same few articles on that board and reading them over and over and thinking, “People would love this!” I feel though that I have the need to have those thoughts or feelings validated by a neutral party before I express them to someone else so that I hear that they are being heard the way I want them to be heard, the way I think them. I am finding that I have a hard time relaying what I am thinking into words that I actually mean. I need that vent in my life. Just something to think about…
Here’s a clip of the first single off Born and Raised, called “Shadow Days.” I’m excited to share the first bit of sound from the album… Been looking forward to a post like this since October 14, 2010, the first day I started writing this group of songs. Enjoy.
I used to lay awake, wondering, “what should I write about next?” Nowadays, I find myself being so busy that I don’t really have time to write about things that I would like to write about. I don’t think I’ve had a lot of time to think for myself lately. I’ve been working three jobs and taking sixteen units a semester for the last two semesters, and I think I need a break from being me. I wish so bad I could split my life into two lives so that I could enjoy life more. I know that I have been given so much, and I feel that if I had two lives living this one, it could be properly savored. I don’t like to feel like I’m barreling through life. I find also that I am once again growing tired of being alone. I think I’ve been single for so long that I find myself reaching for anyone in sight. over the last two years or so I’ve come to know a few girls that easily made the qualifications for being Mrs. Popineau. I don’t know why things didn’t work out for any of us, but I don’t want to feel desperate. I finally liked being single, and having a life to myself, but for some reason, finding someone I can be with seems to be coming up quite often in conversations. Parents are asking, friends are asking, and I think even my own sub conscience is asking, “When are you going to get back up on your feet and try to love again?” See, for so long now, or what feels like so long, I have decided just to shut off my heart as much as possible and dive into what I deemed important. But now I’m feeling what once was a spring heart turned into a frozen, hardened heart, beginning to thaw out. I guess only time will tell who takes this heart, but God has a plan and I know that she is going to be one amazing woman! For now, that’s the update. Hope you are all doing well.
So please realize this is not a professional poll, rather a cumulative list of music that I would share with someone of they asked me what good music is. If you had never heard music before or if you could only listen to these albums for the rest of your life, you would probably never get tired of these. At least I wouldn’t. They are not in any particular order so don’t freak out that Maroon 5 is above John Mayer…
The ten albums one should not live without:
1. Maroon 5 Songs About Jane
2. Dave Matthews Stand Up
3. John Mayer Continuum
4. Jack Johnson Sleep Through The Static
5. Red Hot Chili Peppers Stadium Arcadium
6. Dashboard Confessionals A Mark, A Brand, A Mission, A Scar
7. Eric Clapton 461 Ocean Blvd.
8. The Civil Wars Barton Hollow
9. Boney James Pure
10. Chris Botti Live in Boston
Don’t own all of these albums? Do your self a favor and get them as soon as you can and fall in love. You’re welcome.
You ever just feel like yelling at the top of your lungs right in front of the person you like, “I LOVE YOU! WHY DON’T YOU GET THAT?” That’s where I am tonight. So if your reading this Ms. Anonymous, please know that I would do anything for you.
“Sometimes I get the itch to go out for a drink thinking I might miss meeting the woman of my dreams, but then I realize the woman of my dreams isn’t at a bar at 12:36 on a Wednesday morning. No, the woman of my dreams is asleep in bed with her lame boyfriend she’s only now beginning to see is lame. Nice enough guy, but no passion or curiosity. It was cute when he called her babe at first but now it’s just lazy and distant sounding. The woman of my dreams just twitched in her sleep because I mentioned her. The woman of my dreams is not usually twitchy. The woman of my dreams likes Family Guy but doesn’t LOVE Family Guy. The woman of my dreams will engage in conversations that don’t necessarily cater to her in exchange for my moving quickly through the shop talk. The woman of my dreams has to be up at 7am. Maybe the woman of my dreams is at the gym, not the bar. I better get to bed.”—John Mayer (via omgitsmallory)
So I’m going to break my silence by stating this: Haters gonna hate. I think that the average person doesn’t understand the concept of Maturity, aging, progress. People will try so hard to bring another down and they don’t realize that they just look much worse than if they would have just kept their mouth shut. Case in point: YouTube has this wonderful site where you can watch, post, and comment on videos. This site allows each user to log in, watch a video, and comment on said video. Most people who comment will say either, “It was great I loved it!” or “This is embarrassing! Why would you post this!?”. I think either way, you have to take the comments for what they are: Criticism. I think this is one of the best beds to build on. Because if someone was just to lie to you and say, “You’re great! Keep it up!” that doesn’t tell you what they really thought. If they tell you what to work on, you can build on that. This is called progress.
There is also the possibility that people are just gonna hate. They are less and want to bring you down. Don’t trip on these peeps.
Now I think that I will address something that I don’t think the few people involved understand. I posted a video on this YouTube site. Do I think I did a great job on this song? No. I don’t like it at all. I did one take of my voice and called it a take. I know it doesn’t sound great. But here is the kicker. Ready? I UNDERSTAND ITS NOT GREAT. I did it on purpose. This video was for no other reason than to see A) How many people would actually be exposed to my music and B) To have a starting point. If I posted the best take of the best song where I felt like I couldn’t do any better, what would I do next!? I don’t want to peak too early if you know what I’m saying. I think if I have a starting point, it’s more amusing to me to see where I came from, than just to be a one hit wonder. (Not insinuating that I would ever bee good enough to be a one hit wonder). Any ways, the reason for this post, Haters gonna hate. If this doesn’t make sense to you, thanks for reading this far. If it does hope this makes you think about some stuff.
After a season of being hurt and let down by so many people in my life and those who I let influence me, I think I’m really ready to kind of pick up and move on. I’m tired of pretending I’m not in pain, and I’m okay. I think I’ve come to this place by divine design, not to show me how good I had it, but more like how much better things are going to get. I’ve seen things in the last six months that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I’ve gone through this time in my life with my head hung low and I think that maybe its time for me to shift into a new way existing. Shoulders back, back straight, chest out, head held high. An all out, “This is it!” moment as if to say, “This is who I am, take it or leave it!”. And if you’re not for me, I’m sorry. I’m still learning from this season and won’t ever forget it. Excited for what the future has for me and for those around me.
After several months of going week to week monitoring and hoping to correct the condition, I am forced to cancel my upcoming singing engagements due to something next to my vocal cords called a granuloma.
I’m bummed to have to bow out of both the iheartradio Music Festival in Las…
On behalf of all the men out there, just stop screwing with us. If I have one more girl flake out on me, I’m going to be single the rest of my life. Be truthful. NOTHING is more attractive than just being truthful with us. You expect it from us, so we are calling you out on it. No more double standards. If you don’t want to do something, don’t make up some lame excuse for not doing it. Just tell us, “I don’t like you and I don’t want to be anything more than friends.” I would respect you ten times more than if you just flaked. Obviously this post is geared towards someone but overall I think you all get what I’m talking about…
I think time is something most people take for granted. We just sit around waiting for the next event in our lives. I want to see time for what it is. Beyond the limitations of what science tells us it is. I want to see it as opportunities. Opportunities to succeed, to rise, to fall and fail. I’ve spent so much time in my life trying to succeed that maybe its time to fail. Time to stop caring if I don’t get it right the first time, or the first hundred times for that matter. Just doing something for me. I’ve spent so much time trying to make my life fit other people’s molds of what they think my life should be that maybe, just maybe, I could find happiness and contentment once again with who I am. So at the end of the day, when I’ve gotten back to just me, (Whatever Helps You Sleep At Night) I can say I didn’t waist any time today.
When did chivalry die? Holding doors, standing when a lady is in the room. When did table manors become a thing of the past? Napkins, glasses, multiple forks, the whole nine yards. I think for the next season of life, I’m going to invest in myself and in a select few people in my life to be the best that we can be. A proper gentleman. One who accepts the challenges of everyday life and makes the most of every opportunity. I feel like women are also missing this from their lives. I feel bad for the girls who are stuck with some clingy guy who’s always jealous and asking if he’s done something wrong ever time she doesn’t answer a text within five minutes. Women are fascinating and frustrating. That’s the facts. But regardless, they deserve to be swept off their feet in a whirlwind of feelings for someone who can respect the for them. For someone who knows who he is apart from someone else, and is ok with that man. The kind of man that desires to better himself everyday by doing something something and only clinging to the life blood given to us by God. This is the kind of man I want to be. Last summer I went through a lot of time trying to find who I am and how I want to act. And over the last year I feel like I learned a whole lot about who I am and now I think it is time to act on it. I’m not even saying I’m completely ready yet, but I think a test run is order. I don’t expect any of you to understand everything that is written in the post, but please know that I appreciate the time you’ve spent trying to figure it out. I think in the near future I will compile a list of rules I think a gentleman should live by. I’ll try to adhere to them as well as I possibly can. For now, let the games begin.
I feel like I’m reaching for something within myself lately. I’m searching for something and I can’t put my finger on it. I sat down and thought about it late last night and came to the conclusion that what I’m missing is validation. In my life, up to this point, everything has been decided for me. The way most people’s life goes. Parents tell you what you can and can’t do. Your boss tells you when to be at work and what you are to be doing. Even your social life is run by those around you. The only thing that I have control over are my thoughts and beliefs. I want so much to have my thoughts validated by someone else just to put my mind at ease that I am not the only one feeling the things I feel. I think in a larger sense, this is what most of the world feels. We all want validity. To know that someone else is feeling and thinking the same way we are. That no matter how dark the night and how freaking crappy the day, we are human and we all feel. I feel like nothing is more important to the growth and maturity, both mental and social, of me than the feeling of validation. Just something to think about…